This past week was kind of a rough one as I sought to recapture my first love, pick up my responsibilities that I had carelessly let slip, and deal with some pain in my life. With the Lord’s help, I was able to begin doing my responsibilities that I had let slip, and I was able to recapture my first love! However, there was still this issue of some unresolved “pain” in my life.
I’m not even sure how I began thinking about it, but I was laying in bed one night thinking that I would like to feel loved by another person. (Yes, I knew God loved me; I knew friends loved me, but why could I not feel it?) The Lord reminded me that I’m surrounded by love each and every day–siblings who really miss me when I’m gone and welcome me home with lots of noise; parents who tell me that they love me. Yet for all of this I don’t feel their love.
As I continued laying there thinking about it, I came to the realization that somewhere in my life, I had stopped feeling. I believe this to be true, because when I was younger, I would keep everything inside–swept under the rug; stuffed down inside. Also, I tried to disassociate with my pain by living in a fantasy world. I also became a very unemotional person. I hardly cried at all, and if I felt myself on the verge of tears, I’d bite my tongue and tell myself, “I’m not going to cry.” Basically, as I said before, I stopped feeling. (I still haven’t found out when that first started happening or what caused it to happen, but I’m working on it!)
Well, as I was thinking/working on the above, I had some real actual pain to deal with. You see, I was in the clothes closet at our church yesterday looking through bags of clothes people had brought. I saw a big black trash bag over in the corner, and proceeded to open it to look at the clothes inside. All of a sudden, my mom walks in and is like, “No! Stop! What are you doing!?” (Come to find out, it was a bag of trash, not clothes!) I immediately started apologizing and saying that I didn’t know, and that I was leaving. Why was I leaving, you ask? Because my mind said, “We’ve been here before. Bad situation. Get out.”
A few weeks earlier: I had come running down the stairs one Sunday morning and grabbed the first water jug I saw to fill up my water bottle. All of a sudden, my mom goes, “No! Stop! What are you doing!?” (Come to find out, that was her water jug, so she could see how much water she drank each day.) I immediately began apologizing, saying how I didn’t know.
Two situations. One reaction. One response. How did that happen? Well, as I lay in bed thinking about it last night, I determined that in both situations, I felt like I was being attacked. Why? Well, because I felt like I couldn’t do anything right to please my mom.
When did I first feel like this? Well, I remember when I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was standing in the kitchen trying to do something to help my mom. Then she came downstairs and started yelling at me about it. That was the first time I remember feeling like I couldn’t doing anything right. (This same situation occurred again a few years later.) Then, I just focused on the pain and allowed myself to feel the pain once again. (Not fun, but essential to the healing process.) After that, I asked the Lord what He wanted me to know about the fact that I can’t do anything right, and nothing I do is good enough for her. As I listened, I heard Him softly say, “My Father’s eyes,” and “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” That brought fresh tears streaming down my cheeks. I realized that ultimately I’m not living for my mom’s approval–for her eyes. I’m living for His eyes–His approval! 
What freedom!!
It no longer matters if I feel like I can’t please her, because if God’s pleased, that’s all that matters! It was so freeing! I had been carrying around that pain for 10+ years and finally it’s gone! Praise the Lord!!!
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).
July 21, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Wow, I’m really sorry you’re going through any of this. I can get feeling pretty depressed at times. I had a really bad day yesterday and I was angry.
Keep trusting in the Lord for love, peace, and comfort. Know that even when you mother snaps at you, she still loves you. It’s ok to cry. believe me. I know. When I was littler, about 8-9, I never really had any girlfriends who liked me. So I hung out with the boys and you know how boys are “no tears”. I determined to always be tough. Never cry. Never act hurt. However, when I was about 12 I started not caring what people thought of me. I didn’t care if they liked me or not. I was loved by God. Slowly I grew out of being self-conscience to the point of torment. God is still working on me in this area. I am still self-conscience in some areas. I am still rough and tough and sometimes I can be pretty mean expecting others to just to buck up. I’ve allowed myself to cry within the past few years. Sometimes it’s good to cry. It’s not being a baby, unless you’re crying about something ridiculous. God is there to dry our tears so don’t hold them back.
Sorry if I got a little off topic, but this is what came to my thought when I read your post.
Love
MJ
July 22, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Thanks for your sweet comment, MJ!! I will say that the Lord has been working over the past few years in my life. I have begun to open up my emotions. Sometimes, I’ll just have to run away to my room and cry for a few minutes!
Once again, thanks for your encouraging comment!
July 24, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Girl, a big part of not stuffing your emotions is not running off. People need to see that you’re hurting, that you need them. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to your email, but I didn’t have a chance. I didn’t realize it wasn’t to me exactly…I guess I don’t need to respond.
Love ya
July 25, 2008 at 8:34 am
Thank you, Rebekah, for your comment. I do have bad habit of running off when I get hurt. Either I do that, or I just try and forget that it really happened by going off to some imaginary world. Bad, I know, but that’s just what I automatically do.
That’s okay about not responding to my email. I was going to type you out a second one, but it was just easier to copy and paste this. Hope that you don’t mind.
Umm…you can still email me though. We can continue this conversation over email if you want to.
July 27, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Dearest Allison, thank you for sharing this. I know that it’s not easy to share personal hurts, even when you’re just writing about it and not talking. I still have wounds that I have yet to uncover.
You know, I was thinking about the verse you shared, and how such a simple verse carries such depth. Many of the struggles I’ve had (especially during my early teenage years) happened because I believed lies. Lies that said “No one cares about me” or “I can’t do anything right” or “I don’t look good enough.” I didn’t keep my focus on the word of God, and instead brought a lot of hurt and pain onto myself. When I realized that the lies I had been believing were just that…lies, I began to focus on the truth. For it’s in the Truth that we find joy, life, healing, and freedom.
Praise the Lord!
July 28, 2008 at 8:44 am
You’re right about what you said about believing lies, Hannah. I’m currently going through “Lies Young Women Believe”(a post on that coming soon). I’m realizing that at first I’ll think, “I don’t believe that!” However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that what we believe comes out not in what we say, but how we live.